It was just a little too on-brand.
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The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.
Coincidentally, my Man Friend drives a Ford Mustang and lets Joey ride along. Just another reason he’s the best.
I will admit to being jealous of her fully-formed poops when I took her out for potty breaks.
I could be emotionally completely in the process, but physically know when to walk away because the piece was finished.
We are all just messes of insecurity and anxiety.
The bike was the next best thing, so I did sprints up and down hills, my muscles on fire, until my mind was moving slower than my legs.
When things would inevitably not work, Marilyn’s sage advice, “Sometimes you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before one turns into a prince.”
There was a very distinct memory placed at that moment, when a little voice in my head told me, “You always wanted attention from guys, this must be what it’s like.”
For years, being big (and tough) was a shield to protect me from letting myself be vulnerable with any of you humans. To a certain degree, it still is.
A wise man who wrestled with the darkness taught me that it’s never about making bad people good, it’s about helping sick people get well.
It’s easier to be angry at the sick person than be angry with yourself for how your choices helped create the situation.
The actual engagement decision happened later at a bar downtown, but I wasn’t so drunk and begged him to keep it hush-hush. I didn’t want anyone to know.
Because I thought I was hard to love, I chose men who validated that. I mastered the skill of crying myself to sleep without disturbing the person on the other side of the bed.
He was kind and complex, messy and hilarious, and struggled with addiction and health issues. But holy shit, did he have a sense of humor and a genuine ability to connect with people. He was so completely all in when it came to living.
And even though I cried as I watched him die, I wasn't sad for the death of Han Solo. I was sad for the little girl who believed in it all. And then angry for the woman who spent her life chasing Hans.
I know man friends around the world die a little, whether from concern or annoyance, when our tears start, but I couldn’t help it. I felt so betrayed. I felt ashamed for losing something so important.
All I owned was what I believed.
Control is for the un-brave.