The weather’s been exceptionally wet here. I hear the people saying things like, “Wettest winter in 120 years.” I feel like I should comment about how much longer that is in dog years, but I get excited when my mom comes back from the mailbox. I’m a dog. I have no sense of time.
Sometimes I miss Alli. It was fun to have a sister, even if we annoyed each other sometimes. She was a really good cuddler and pillow for me. Now I have Chickie, my favorite chew toy. Chickie got smart with me, so I gave him a lobotomy.
I really like Steve, mom’s friend, especially on the weekend when I get a van ride down to the Pearl to see him. He watches my city home during the week for me. We go for runs by the river and lots of people smile at me, except for one asshole poodle that snarls at me. His neighborhood is cool because there are lots of pigeons to point. Pigeons are so slow and stupid. They walk at me when I point them. At me. I also like stopping traffic on the Lovejoy street with a Poop Walk, where I do one turd, a couple steps, then another turd, then a couple steps, and such. I go where I wanna go. Mom always picks it up. Sometimes humans there poop outside, but don’t have moms to pick it up. Like you guys aren’t gross enough without fur suits. Pick up your poops, dude.
Speaking of poops, this log is a confession of sorts. I had the poop demon a while back. Mom knew it wasn’t good. I unleashed a demon on along the river on one of our runs. I think mom was embarrassed because she couldn’t pick it up very well. Points for trying. But yeah, she grounded me from food for a whole day. A whole day. And then she thought I was better, so I got some kibble and she had to go do work because that’s how I have a house and kibble, at least that’s what she tells me, whatever that means.
So she went to work. She put out newspapers by the door just in case and told me to be a good girl.
I tried. I tried really hard, but the poop demon came back. I did some poops on the orange face man on the paper, but there was a lot of poops. And I didn’t make it to the paper one time and it got on the carpet and my cozy cave. It was so bad. Of course I got some poops on my paw and tracked it into the bedroom and on mom’s bed. I like to sleep on her pillow when she isn’t there because it smells like her.
When mom got home, I was so excited to see her, I ran around the corner from the bedroom with my poop paws and then I saw her face when she smelled the poops and thought, “Oh shit.”
I hung my head.
I know I’m not supposed to do poop in the house, but the poop demon did it.
Mom still gave me some loves, but then she had to scrub the carpet and the cave like Cinderella. And then she found the poop paw prints on her pillow case and it was her turn to say, “Oh shit,” and something about, “Stripping the damned bed and hot water for everything.”
I felt like a jerk, but mom said it was okay and everybody gets the poop demon sometimes.
Then I was back on the fast, but I still wanted to run. I confuse everyone. But do know that I SLAYED THE POOP DEMON! Now I’m training with mom four runs a week and doing like three poops a day. Solid. (See my joke there? My sense of humor is far more developed than my sense of time.)
So yeah, I’m all better and life is good. I haven’t been to day care since I got pawed in the eye, but that’s cool. I need to guard the house when mom is gone and make sure the UPS man knows he isn’t welcome to loiter in the parking lot. I’m sure mom will keep posting our running pics, so keep checking our page.