This week’s newsfeed has been cringe-worthy to say the least. The story about the African American doctor who offered assistance to a fellow passenger in need of help mid-flight and the Delta employees didn’t believe she was a doctor. The Trump p#ssy grabbing fallout, compounded by everything he’s ever said or agreed with on Howard Stern. The brutally horrific allegations we read about in the aggravated assault case in Sioux Falls, SD, the place I called home for almost 15 years.
It hasn’t been a good week for women.
It’s been an almost unbelievable shit show of patriarchy and promotion of rape culture.
It’s far past annoying.
It’s anger to the point of exhaustion.
I needed a laugh.
I love doing play-by-play during live TV. Some people find it annoying, but enough find it hilarious that I keep on doing it.
My favorite targets?
Political debates and the Westminster Dog Show.
So I figured I would combine two things I love to make myself giggle.
With inspiration from Jamie Oliver and the AMAZING Canine Supreme Court…
Now I see dogs when I look at politics.
Bernie Sanders is a Chinese Crested—he’s a sweet little thing who gets a bit disheveled when the wind hits his hair. Super lively and lives to a ripe old age.
Of course Bill Clinton is a Golden Retriever. He’s just so genuinely happy to see you and makes you feel important you forgive him for humping your leg.
Paul Ryan is the Husky of the group. Obviously because of the eyes, which could be soul damaging, or at the least uterine damaging, if you let them. Plus, he’s a good runner and from a cold weather state.
Chris Christie is a pug. He’s so unattractive, he’s sort of cute in his own weird way. Not much for exercise and has breathing issues, but can be fun and hold his own when he needs to.
Ted Cruz is obviously a cat because Satan is a cat.
John McCain I see as a Weimaraner—the grey ghost. Aloof, a little mental, stubborn, steady, and a good dog with proper training. He had to have had good training to live through POW hell.
Mike Pence is a Chow Chow. At first glance, you think, “Well that’s kind of cute.” Then it bites you and you realize it’s a big jerk.
Tim Kaine is the Labrador of the group. He understands where he fits in the situation and makes the best of it. Dependable.
Donald Trump is a far more difficult case. Mutts are out of the question and let’s assume he needs to be all white AND American-made. Which really only leaves us with the American Eskimo Dog or maybe a white American Pit Bull Terrier.
Originally, I thought he would be a no-go for anything associated with indigenous people, but would Donald appreciate the fact that “Eskimo” is considered derogative and has been widely replaced with Inuit? We all know he loves an insult.
And let’s be honest, the poor Pit Bulls already get enough bad press without being associated with the Trump-Pence campaign so let’s leave them out of this mess.
Hillary is a Rhodesian Ridgeback. Stamina, power, and bred to hunt lions.
Add your ideas in the comments, please. More laughs. Now.